aterat | One Fall And One Less Bear

Jacob ignores the blush that creeps along his cheeks and rolls his eyes in response. "Thanks." He pauses awkwardly. "I think." He isn't sure how he feels about a lot of things lately and Nida has brought up questions that Jacob isn't ready to face but it always finds a way to creep into the back of his mind.

He holds the position perfectly, getting comfortable with the position of his hands and body.

"Okay." Jacob quirks his mouth into a grin. "I think I can do that much." It is similar to the way that Gus has trained him in the past and he's able to keep up with the slow motions as well as tap Nida's staff when appropriate. He has some practice training, even if his skills are lacking.

"Do I shift my weight back or..." He looks down at his feet to try and figure out the best way to absorb the shock.

"Keep your knees slightly bent," Nida suggests, before doing the same with his own stance.

"Here, strike at me. Don't worry about whether you hit or not. I'll make sure it does. Just make sure your eyes are on my body."

He holds himself somewhat loose, neither his arms nor his legs locked so he can easily absorb the blows offer.

"Got it." He lowered his knees some but tried to keep himself center. The last thing Jacob wanted was to really fall on his ass.

He reached forward with the staff and aimed for the side of Nida's chest. He didn't want to actually hurt Nida but he trusted his friend to not get hurt. Besides, he was the teacher.

"Like this?" He asked as he moved.

Nida definitely wasn't going to get hurt. He was good at this. Well, he also expected that Jacob could hurt him because sometimes that happened with novices.

"Yeah," Nida says, raising the staff to absorb the blow. And his whole body moves with it, just a bit. "Whenever possible, absorb and redirect. You don't want to take it all with locked joints. That's long term strain on the body."

Jacob watched Nida moved, openly impressed at the way his friends body shifted with the block. It was fluid, like water gliding along a stream and for a second, Jacob forgot what he was supposed to be doing. "Right." He shook his head and refocused. His joints relaxed and he tried to hold himself with a tension that would allow him to spring into action but also let him provide some resistance and protection.

His next hit was a little stronger but now that he was working on his entire body, it took more effort to use the same amount of strength.

Fluid was actually the goal. Smooth and rolling like the waters. It was something he loved to do.

"Good. You want to get your whole body into it. When you learn to do this right, you'll hit harder than you could without it. More of your weight will come behind the blow, but in ways that doesn't put you off balance."

"Right." Jacob nodded and repeated the process of attempting to hit Nida. It was a slightly stronger strike but the position of Jacob's body was stiff. He was getting more comfortable but it was a slow process that would take practice.

"Like this?" He asked, wondering if he was doing well enough for Nida to attempt to strike him.

"Better," Nida agrees, and with Jacob looking a bit more confident, he shifts his own stance. "Come on, let's see you defend again. Guard up. We'll start slow and then see if you can stay standing."

Nida grins, more than ready to test the guy a little."

Jacob scoffed, having no confidence in himself. "Okay. You're move."

He raised the staff so that it was closer to his chest and turned himself enough to limit the amount of his body that Nida could hit. He knew that he'd get hit, Jacob only hoped that it wouldn't hurt very much. He does block the slower strikes and has the general idea of what to do but his thoughts outweigh his instincts and as Nida gets faster, Jacob looses his footing.

This is something Nida has done a countless number of times. Fighting other people was something he knew how to do. Training people in his weapon of choice was something he had experience in. And he knew that there was only so much he could do about it, because pain could be a better teacher than anything else.

So he picks up speed to see if Jacob will keep up, and when the man slips and loses his footing, Nida tries to toss his weapon away to grab his arm and catch him. And instead tumbles down onto the other man. Oops.

At first, Jacob is able to hold his stance but as Nida's speed increases he loses his ground. He steps back a few times and then Nida's staff slaps against his side. Jacob swings wide to compensate and guard again but he loses his footing at the same time and thumbs to the ground with a hard thud. The staff drops from his grip and clatters across the floor as Nida falls on top of him.

It takes Jacob a few seconds to recognize what's going on but his body is instantly aware of just how close Nida is to him. His face warms and he fights the awkward reaction brought on by the body heat.

"Ah- er..." Those were not words but he was trying.

Those really aren't words. But Nida chuckles at their position before rolling off of the guy.

"As flattered as I am that you enjoy the proximity, and as much as it just further proves my point that you're nowhere near straight my friend, I've another individual I wish to pin under me."

With that Nida puts his weapon aside and easily rolls back onto his shoulder and then flips to his feet with ease. Then he's standing, holding a hand out to help Jacob up.

"It happens to a lot of people in combat training."

Jacob just lays there for a few seconds, before his focus snapped back to the present. His face was burning red. Not just because Nida had been on top of him but at his friends words too. He already knew that Nida was seeing someone, that wasn't what this was, Jacob respected him and Ignis too much for that but that didn't stop his body from doing... whatever the hell it was doing.

It felt humiliating. He should have more control than that.

He swallowed and took Nida's hand. "I know that." His voice was more curt than he had meant for it to be. "I'm not interested." At least not in Nida... in that way but his sexuality was in question and it felt impossible for him to continue to deny the obvious. Even if that was the case, it didn't change anything. He couldn't fail again. It was okay for others... just not for him. Not that he'd condemn someone to be stuck with him.

Jacob sighed. "Look. I get it but I can't okay. Just, leave it be. I'm not trying to-" Get embarrassed? He wasn't really sure how he was going to finish that sentence. "Let's get back to it." But he was now incredibly distracted and his focus was split.

There is no need for humiliation, Jacob. Please.

But he really didn't know how to take all that the other man was saying. Oh the poor young man. And Nida ached for him. Ached so damn bad.

"Jacob, you know you can talk to me about this, right? About being interested in men, right?"

He doesn't want to feel this way but he finds it difficult to control how he feels or understand it. It's always been that way. He's always been this way. Maybe that's what made it easy for--

Jacob's thoughts caught off and he focused on Nida, feeling strange. He trusts Nida but this isn't something he even knows how to talk about and voicing it will only make it feel more real. "What is there to talk about?" He attempts to defect, walking over to his staff to pick it up and begin again.

Nida doesn't stoop to grab his staff. He gets his toes under it and flips it into the air, catching it easily.

"About how there is, contrary to some beliefs, nothing wrong with having sexual or romantic desires focused on partners of the same sex as you."

He spins the staff around his fingers in a flourish before returning to a ready stance.

"Or how about the fact that it's okay to let someone love you when you're broken."

Edited 2020-12-15 18:46 (UTC)

Jacob watched as the staff flicked effortlessly into Nida's grip. He was going to have to practice that move because that was really cool.

"I never said that there was anything wrong with it." His tone was defensive but Jacob didn't know why. He shouldn't be defensive but he also doesn't want to insult Nida, who is in a relationship with another man. Jacob is fine with that... one of his sisters is interesting in other women but it doesn't feel like it's an option for him.

"I just-" He sighs and drags his palm down his face. "Fine." His voice snaps and then softens. "I just already fucked up enough. You know-" The things they've already spoken about. "And, I don't want God to hate me. I don't know if there is a God or what's out there. It's weird but whatever it is... I'm scared. Okay."

He's tried to date girls, even sleep with them but it doesn't feel the same as it does when he's around incredibly attractive men. He knows this but it doesn't make it easier. The only thing that makes it easy is staying in his own little world.

Given Nida had been working with polearms for more than half of his life, he damn well better make it look cool and effortless. All of this needed to be as naturally as breathing for him back home, otherwise... Well, lives could be cut short. It was a lesson that might well be made obvious from the ugly scar that was only partially hidden by his tank top, one that clearly pierced completely through the space between his right shoulder and his neck.

He hadn't been fast enough. It was something he was trying to improve upon.

Still, he stops the spinning of the weapon and plants it firmly in front of him as he considers how to respond to all of this.

"Jacob, no matter who your God is, or how they view humans on your world, I'll tell you this. The way you are is the way you are. The people you care for are the people you care for. The ones you love are the ones you love. Denying that, and yourself, will only make you suffer. You will live in more fear and more pain by being scared of who you are than you will ever have to live if you are open."

He snaps his staff up into an attacking position then, but doesn't lash out.

"And if your god as a problem with it, then I'll flip them off before cracking them one over the head. Don't think I won't. My people drove away our god a long time ago. Hyne was sort of a massive dick."

Nida was right but that didn't make it easier to accept. Deep down --somewhere out of Jacob's reach-- he knew this. He desperately wished he could believe Nida's words but something was holding him back.

What was it?

Jacob exhaled and lifted his staff. "I know you don't agree." He began as he found his stance again. "But I feel like I deserve to suffer." He huffed a sardonic breath of laughter before shaking his head. "Maybe if I meet someone with each brain damage. I don't know. I don't know if I even want that." He didn't know how to begin to incorporate someone in his life like that.

"I don't know what God wants. My sister is a God and somehow she helps me believe more than I had before... and she says it's okay. I have no one but myself telling me that it isn't okay. So maybe... you're right, everyone's right and something is just wrong with me..."

"There is nothing wrong with you for being afraid," Nida answered quite seriously as he starts to return to the slow, easily blocked blows. "Fear is natural. Fear keeps us safe. But sometimes we have to be bigger than our fears. Like with Ignis and I. I was afraid to open my heart up yet again, after what Elijah did to me, and after I lost my boyfriend."

So Ignis had been a serious risk. And he'd fallen hard, and fast. And he was scared of it, because he could get hurt. He will get hurt when he leaves here, or Ignis does. But he has learned to overcoming it.

"Sometimes you just have to take the risks."

Jacob began again too, following through the stances that his body was supposed to be in while also moving the staff to perry or attack. He was distracted and moving slowly but it would be clear to Nida that Jacob was a much better fighter when he wasn't thinking too hard about what he was doing.

"Is it really worth it?"

He asked, clearly wrapped up in his own thoughts, whatever they may be.

The best part of fighting was when one learned to do it without thought.

The question earns a soft smile from Nida. He's a man in love again, and with a partner suitable to his place in life.

"Yes," he answers. "Very, very much worth it in my opinion. You learn, you grow, you're supported. It's nice."

"I don't know if I can believe it. I mean, my sister tried to support me and I just couldn't accept it." He kept moving but his thoughts were all over the place. "I don't know how."

He cared about people but it was always from an arm's length away. He vaguely remembered his parents but that felt like so long ago. He wasn't sure he knew what it was like to feel close to another person... he hasn't felt that way for a long time.

Nida sighs and shakes his head. The guy doesn't get it.

"I can't force you to love yourself. Maybe some day you could find someone who will manage that for you," Nida shrugs between strikes. "I hope you don't stay alone because your heart deserves something good."

Jacob struck towards Nida, a little harder than he had meant to. His steps brought him forward but he still wasn't really paying attention to what he was doing.

"I hope so too." Maybe one day.

Something felt like it's been changing, slowly. Since the day Nida had saved him from getting mugged. Since the idea had been planted in his head. It was hard to know if the change was for the better or not but Jake felt something happening inside of him and if he did love and if it did fail... he knew he'd be broken beyond repair.

"I don't really want to think about it right now." He'd rather just learn to fight. Which... they were doing? Jacob suddenly realized that they were going back and forth, misstepped and Nida's staff stapped against his side. It knocked the wind out of Jacob's body and he staggered back.

One Fall And One Less Bear

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