aterat | One Fall And One Less Bear

Jacob just lays there for a few seconds, before his focus snapped back to the present. His face was burning red. Not just because Nida had been on top of him but at his friends words too. He already knew that Nida was seeing someone, that wasn't what this was, Jacob respected him and Ignis too much for that but that didn't stop his body from doing... whatever the hell it was doing.

It felt humiliating. He should have more control than that.

He swallowed and took Nida's hand. "I know that." His voice was more curt than he had meant for it to be. "I'm not interested." At least not in Nida... in that way but his sexuality was in question and it felt impossible for him to continue to deny the obvious. Even if that was the case, it didn't change anything. He couldn't fail again. It was okay for others... just not for him. Not that he'd condemn someone to be stuck with him.

Jacob sighed. "Look. I get it but I can't okay. Just, leave it be. I'm not trying to-" Get embarrassed? He wasn't really sure how he was going to finish that sentence. "Let's get back to it." But he was now incredibly distracted and his focus was split.

There is no need for humiliation, Jacob. Please.

But he really didn't know how to take all that the other man was saying. Oh the poor young man. And Nida ached for him. Ached so damn bad.

"Jacob, you know you can talk to me about this, right? About being interested in men, right?"

He doesn't want to feel this way but he finds it difficult to control how he feels or understand it. It's always been that way. He's always been this way. Maybe that's what made it easy for--

Jacob's thoughts caught off and he focused on Nida, feeling strange. He trusts Nida but this isn't something he even knows how to talk about and voicing it will only make it feel more real. "What is there to talk about?" He attempts to defect, walking over to his staff to pick it up and begin again.

Nida doesn't stoop to grab his staff. He gets his toes under it and flips it into the air, catching it easily.

"About how there is, contrary to some beliefs, nothing wrong with having sexual or romantic desires focused on partners of the same sex as you."

He spins the staff around his fingers in a flourish before returning to a ready stance.

"Or how about the fact that it's okay to let someone love you when you're broken."

Edited 2020-12-15 18:46 (UTC)

Jacob watched as the staff flicked effortlessly into Nida's grip. He was going to have to practice that move because that was really cool.

"I never said that there was anything wrong with it." His tone was defensive but Jacob didn't know why. He shouldn't be defensive but he also doesn't want to insult Nida, who is in a relationship with another man. Jacob is fine with that... one of his sisters is interesting in other women but it doesn't feel like it's an option for him.

"I just-" He sighs and drags his palm down his face. "Fine." His voice snaps and then softens. "I just already fucked up enough. You know-" The things they've already spoken about. "And, I don't want God to hate me. I don't know if there is a God or what's out there. It's weird but whatever it is... I'm scared. Okay."

He's tried to date girls, even sleep with them but it doesn't feel the same as it does when he's around incredibly attractive men. He knows this but it doesn't make it easier. The only thing that makes it easy is staying in his own little world.

Given Nida had been working with polearms for more than half of his life, he damn well better make it look cool and effortless. All of this needed to be as naturally as breathing for him back home, otherwise... Well, lives could be cut short. It was a lesson that might well be made obvious from the ugly scar that was only partially hidden by his tank top, one that clearly pierced completely through the space between his right shoulder and his neck.

He hadn't been fast enough. It was something he was trying to improve upon.

Still, he stops the spinning of the weapon and plants it firmly in front of him as he considers how to respond to all of this.

"Jacob, no matter who your God is, or how they view humans on your world, I'll tell you this. The way you are is the way you are. The people you care for are the people you care for. The ones you love are the ones you love. Denying that, and yourself, will only make you suffer. You will live in more fear and more pain by being scared of who you are than you will ever have to live if you are open."

He snaps his staff up into an attacking position then, but doesn't lash out.

"And if your god as a problem with it, then I'll flip them off before cracking them one over the head. Don't think I won't. My people drove away our god a long time ago. Hyne was sort of a massive dick."

Nida was right but that didn't make it easier to accept. Deep down --somewhere out of Jacob's reach-- he knew this. He desperately wished he could believe Nida's words but something was holding him back.

What was it?

Jacob exhaled and lifted his staff. "I know you don't agree." He began as he found his stance again. "But I feel like I deserve to suffer." He huffed a sardonic breath of laughter before shaking his head. "Maybe if I meet someone with each brain damage. I don't know. I don't know if I even want that." He didn't know how to begin to incorporate someone in his life like that.

"I don't know what God wants. My sister is a God and somehow she helps me believe more than I had before... and she says it's okay. I have no one but myself telling me that it isn't okay. So maybe... you're right, everyone's right and something is just wrong with me..."

"There is nothing wrong with you for being afraid," Nida answered quite seriously as he starts to return to the slow, easily blocked blows. "Fear is natural. Fear keeps us safe. But sometimes we have to be bigger than our fears. Like with Ignis and I. I was afraid to open my heart up yet again, after what Elijah did to me, and after I lost my boyfriend."

So Ignis had been a serious risk. And he'd fallen hard, and fast. And he was scared of it, because he could get hurt. He will get hurt when he leaves here, or Ignis does. But he has learned to overcoming it.

"Sometimes you just have to take the risks."

Jacob began again too, following through the stances that his body was supposed to be in while also moving the staff to perry or attack. He was distracted and moving slowly but it would be clear to Nida that Jacob was a much better fighter when he wasn't thinking too hard about what he was doing.

"Is it really worth it?"

He asked, clearly wrapped up in his own thoughts, whatever they may be.

The best part of fighting was when one learned to do it without thought.

The question earns a soft smile from Nida. He's a man in love again, and with a partner suitable to his place in life.

"Yes," he answers. "Very, very much worth it in my opinion. You learn, you grow, you're supported. It's nice."

"I don't know if I can believe it. I mean, my sister tried to support me and I just couldn't accept it." He kept moving but his thoughts were all over the place. "I don't know how."

He cared about people but it was always from an arm's length away. He vaguely remembered his parents but that felt like so long ago. He wasn't sure he knew what it was like to feel close to another person... he hasn't felt that way for a long time.

Nida sighs and shakes his head. The guy doesn't get it.

"I can't force you to love yourself. Maybe some day you could find someone who will manage that for you," Nida shrugs between strikes. "I hope you don't stay alone because your heart deserves something good."

Jacob struck towards Nida, a little harder than he had meant to. His steps brought him forward but he still wasn't really paying attention to what he was doing.

"I hope so too." Maybe one day.

Something felt like it's been changing, slowly. Since the day Nida had saved him from getting mugged. Since the idea had been planted in his head. It was hard to know if the change was for the better or not but Jake felt something happening inside of him and if he did love and if it did fail... he knew he'd be broken beyond repair.

"I don't really want to think about it right now." He'd rather just learn to fight. Which... they were doing? Jacob suddenly realized that they were going back and forth, misstepped and Nida's staff stapped against his side. It knocked the wind out of Jacob's body and he staggered back.

Nida absorbs the blow, taking the half-step back. It's fine. And he keeps moving in the fight as he considers what was given to him. He supposed he got it. Because it was something he was like anyway.

"I don't think thinking is what you need to be doing," he says, and he doesn't care that he hit the other man the way he had. It's learning.

Jacob exhaled a huff as he attempted to steady his breath. "You mean I should stop thinking? How does that make any sense?" It sounded ridiculous though not unlike something Gus had told him during one of their football like sparring matches.

"The mind gets in the way, Jacob. A lot of combat, or the early learning, is repetition. Repeating over and over until the muscles can take over. Like this."

He moves quickly, staff sweeping low to take Jacob off of his feet.

Jacob tried to block but he was back to thinking about what he was doing and he missed his opening. His feet were swept out from under him, sending him back onto his ass with a hard thud.

"Ouch. I don't feel like I deserved that." He pushed himself back up to his feet, remember the last time he'd been on the ground, and faced Nida again. "Fine. I'll stop thinking." Though he wasn't going to think about anything that they were just talking about.

"Combat isn't about what you deserve. It's about winning. About surviving," Nida counters. There's no pity in his eyes, just a statement.

"You ready for more? I might have some time before my next appointment shows up."

"Right."

Surviving. The word sends an unpleasant shiver down Jacob's spine. He couldn't let himself get caught off guard again. It was easy to die but coming back... that was different.

"I'm ready. Let's go for as long as we can." Jake let his thoughts drift aimlessly in an attempt to not overthink his movements. It was better than before but not as good as when he'd been entirely distracted.

Nida had been late coming back and Ignis wanted to go find him. Even if there wasn't an imminent threat in town, it wasn't a risk he wanted to take. So he went to a few different spots but then poked his head in the door just in time to hear Nida speak about combat.

Sliding in, he stood there and leaned up against a nearby wall. His arms went over his chest and didn't say anything for a moment while Nida's student was obviously learning.

"You're already late for your next appointment."

There's a quick flicker of Nida's eyes to Ignis's entrance when the man arrived, and a soft curl of delight to his lips. His lover, there and reachable. But it was still lesson time, so he didn't take his eyes off of Jacob.

Until Ignis said that. Wow. That so couldn't be true.

He turned his back on Jacob, leaving himself completely open, to look at Ignis.

"Wow, love, that's rude. I'm not due for another hour. Unless my stupid Tell-phone alarm decided to screw me over. I need a watch."

But with Ignis here... He smirked.

"Don't suppose I could use you for a quick demonstration, if you don't mind getting your clothes a little ruffled. Promise not to hurt you. What about it, Jacob, want to see it in a bit more speed?"

Edited 2020-12-18 04:21 (UTC)

Jake decided to strike towards Nida while he was distracted. He doubted that it'd work but if they were still training then it was fair... right? Besides, it would likely be the only time that Jake might be able to actually hit Nida.

"It's fine. I don't want to put you guys out and despite how much I suck, I have seen a lot of people fight with a lot of different weapons." Though a lot of it was magic. Jacob didn't know the benefit of it and he'd rather let the couple have their time together.

He imagined Nida pinning Ignis and didn't think he wanted to watch that... for a few different reason.

He was about to answer when his beau got struck. And he didn't say a word because Nida was training and shouldn't turn his back on an enemy, not that Jacob was such, but still.

"A watch would be wise, in two cases."

So there's a smirk. "I've no wish to interrupt your lessons, especially if you're so easily distracted." He knew it wasn't fair of him to say and it was adorable at how eager Nida seemed to be to show off. But still, he nodded to Jacob for a well placed hit.

He deserved it. Frankly it was supposed to be a lesson, to show Jacob that he was always watching but to take the chances he could. Unfortunately Ignis was truly radiant and when Nida tried to step aside he didn’t do so far enough so the staff came down hard into Nida’s shoulder and he winced at the sudden flare of pain in his shoulder. He grins his teeth briefly and then pastes a smile in place as he makes an exaggerated flop forward to the ground. Only to catch himself on his hands and turn it into a somersault.

Once he had bounced to his feet he turned to Jacob and applauded.

“Good. Fighting dirty is a rule on the street. I’m proud of you.”

He was doing his best to hide the pain.

“Iggy, what can I say, I can think about nothing but you, my flame.”

But really, he is here for Jacob.

“So, Jacob, payment for today’s lesson. Mind if I see what magic you have running around in you?”

Edited 2020-12-22 22:25 (UTC)

One Fall And One Less Bear

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