aterat | Tuck a knife with my heart up my sleeve

Entry tags:

Tuck a knife with my heart up my sleeve

Who; Illyana+ OTA
What; After a little canon update
Where; Market, Graveyard, Arena
When;6/24 initially, 6/25 and further after
Warnings; Will update when needed

A. {Closed to Waver} To Need to Use a Door...

Illyana did not like the idea of having to ask for help and yet that was where she was right now. The only thing that was worse than having to ask for assistance was having to use the door to do so. Normal boring people used doors, not Illyana, certainly not Magik. It was awful. Demeaning. Terrible. Yet, she had to do it. After all she had two options here: ask the imps to help as they had previously offered or get help elsewhere. She'd already rejected the imps assistance and she was not going to give them the satisfaction of going to them now. That left the first option as the only real option in her mind, as unfortunate as it was.

At the end of the day the most important thought was getting this device off of her without something going terribly wrong. Now that she was back in this place she could recall the time she had died and that wasn't something she wanted to experience. Not with everything else going on in her mind. Which...was quite a lot the more she thought about it. Much more. She'd had such a strong plan when she'd gotten Scott's permission to leave, such high ideals, and yet now that she was here everything seemed more...complicated. Her mind felt blurry, mixing with the memories of the lessons she'd learned here, the progress she'd made, and the place she'd been back home. A dark place where she'd come to accept that her brother was never going to understand. No, if she wished for him to understand her she'd need to act. And to act she...

She shook her head. No. First things first. Removing this device. Then perhaps she could think.

It took her too long to actually get to Waver's place (which left her even more frustrated) and then she stopped in front of the door and did the unthinkable: she knocked. She knocked and she waited.

This was awful. He was never going to let her live this down.

B. {OTA} You got me thinking that I was too mean (Arena)

[ Magik had been freed. Unleashed for the first time in months and she needed to stretch her legs. Both metaphorically and magically (or magickally, the clearly correct way) and so she went to the Arena. Her mind was a mess of the memories from here and the newer memories from her home. Anger, frustration, confusion, and bitterness all swirled in her mind like a hurricane. Emotional hurricane's from broken people needed a release somehow and so she fought. For most fights she relied on her soulword and her teleportation skills. For some though she brought out the magic, using blasts of energy and even an illusion here and there. She was fierce and brutal, lethal in the way she cut her foes down.

But there were lulls between matches and you might catch her during those lulls. Perhaps getting water or answering a question or two about where she learned to fight (her answer is Hell each time). She might even be looking for a snack or two. Say hi if you dare. ]

C. {OTA} I just fuck things up, if you noticed (Market/Graveyard)

[ Illyana eventually took her winnings to the Market to make a few purchases. She still had the clothes she'd worn on, though they were splattered with blood and other...even less pleasant things. She was currently wandering through the stalls, picking up random things and then putting them back down as if her mind were only partially paying attention to what she was doing. If she forgot to pay for an item, well, she'd eventually acknowledge someone calling her on it. Or a shopkeeper chasing her down. Or perhaps even the guards being called.

Eventually she finds herself standing outside the graveyard, a wash of emotions overtaking her as she remembered various meetings she'd had her. Those meetings overlapped with the times she'd spent over the graves of those she'd lost back home. Of her own grave. Of the darkness inside of her and the soot black soul she now thought tainted everything about her. She lingered at the entrance as if she were almost afraid to simply walk in. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

“Good.” He responded rather bluntly, still perturbed by the idea of her just waltzing outside to teleport and triggering this ridiculous device. Less because of the mess and more because he didn’t feel like seeing a friend dead on his doorstep when he could have done something to stop that. The laugh gets a small disgruntled huff from the mage, though. Of course, she’d remember that most from the incident. Everyone always remembers those details! They can’t just forget them conveniently for the sake of not embarrassing him further!

“Enough to not want to accidentally shock someone else.” He muttered, as he set to clipping the wires carefully. After nothing happened when he clipped the first wire, Waver gained a little confidence in what he was doing and moved on to the next with a little less apprehension. That said, there was a very dramatic roll of his eyes, even if she couldn’t see it, at her comment. “Ha. Ha.” He offered sarcastically in return. “Enough with the jokes, I’m concentrating.” He added grumpily, though the words didn’t have much bite.

Probably smart to not rely on luck entirely, but Waver couldn’t deny that both good and bad luck had a hand in things now and again. That aside, he felt some of the lingering tension fade as the device deactivated and dropped. “Alright, that should do it.” He set the wire-cutters down on an end table and gestured to a chair.

There was a part of Waver that wondered if she’d just teleport away at this point rather than actually give him answers, but he was hoping she’d be a woman of her word here. “Now that you’re not at risk of blowing up, you want to tell me what happened and how you ended up with that? I’m guessing it was one of those situations where you were sent back to your world temporarily, given I haven’t seen you around in the last week.” He added with a frown. The mage has ideas, of course, but he’d rather hear what happened from her.

"You can't concentrate and joke? You'd never make it in the X-Men." They did nothing but banter during fights. Maybe the amount of injuries they received made sense given that little tidbit of information. Then again, they had just been kids when they'd started with the New Mutants. Could you really blame kids for bantering during a fight?

She rolled her shoulders and dramatically stretched her freshly freed arms out, relishing in the freedom. Then, without any sort of warning a disc opened up around her and with the smell of brimstone she disappeared. After a full minute she came back and smirked. "Seems to be working perfectly." Was she hopeful that he'd thought she'd really left permanently? Of course. Probably made obvious by the expectant look on her face, as if she was trying hard to catch even a glimpse of a reaction from him. At least she hadn't changed that much in her time back in her own world.

"Only a week? It's been a few months for me." Not that she actually sounded surprised or bothered. "Pocket dimensions, right?" she shook her head. "At least it wasn't a few years there and a day here. Been there, done that. I'd hate to pull the same act twice." Not that it'd be quite the same. There was nothing quite like going from a six year old straight to being a teenager.

"I told you about the Elder gods, right? The ones that stole my soul and ruined my life?"

“If they’re all like that, then probably not.” He responded dryly, the mage highly doubted his suitability for a group like Illyana’s if she and her stories were anything to go by. Then again, with the trouble and chaos his students (and him) generated at times, perhaps he wasn’t giving himself enough credit.

When Illyana did exactly what Waver had hoped she wouldn’t, he stood there with a frown and let out a long sigh of resignation at the fact that he’d probably not get those answers after all. “Had a feeling she’d do that.” He muttered to himself as he turned to back to his bowl of soup and the burner to get it going again. Really, it wasn’t like he could blame her. In her shoes, and with her capabilities, he’d probably do the same if he didn’t want to talk about something unpleasant.

But then she suddenly popped back in again and proved his prior guess wrong! Having not expected it (when honestly he should have), the mage jumped and knocked the soup right off the burner and it spilled across his countertop with a rather high yelp in his surprise. Grabbing a rag that he kept to clean up small messes on his workspace, he returned her infuriating smirk with a very impressive frown of his own as he wiped up the soup. “I guess that means you’re back to being allergic to knocking on a damn door, then?” He griped lightly, tossing the rag aside once the soup was mostly cleaned up.

“That’s about how long it’s been since I’ve seen you, so I’d say that’s accurate.” He responded with a small shrug. The ‘because I couldn’t find you’ went unsaid, naturally. The difference in the passage of time between this world and their own was odd and inconsistent. But she was right. It wasn’t exactly surprising. Pocket dimensions were like that. The time passing in one didn’t equate to the same in another world. Her question gets his attention though, the wrinkle between his brow deepening a bit as he recalled what she’d said. “I do remember that, yes. So this has something to do with the aftermath of that, then? You mentioned your team wasn’t happy with you about how you went about dealing with that.”

"Oh, we're all like that. Especially the New Mutants. We started out as teenagers on a superhero team, what do you expect?" It was a perfect recipe for being mouth brats, right? Though she'd probably take offense to being called a brat (even if it was true half the time).

"Aw, am I predictable?" Except she couldn't be predictable if she came back, right? Ha! That was winning if she could have ever won. In fact, it was almost as good as her win against the Elder Gods. Okay, no it wasn't even slightly as satisfying as that, but she would have stuck to the bit if she was saying any of this aloud. "Sorry about your soup." Was she actually sorry? Nope, and she had a laugh in her voice that betrayed that pretty easily. She grinned at that last part and nodded fairly enthusiastically. "I am. As you could probably tell, having to knock causes me physical pain. You wouldn't want that would you?" She tilted her head and looked at him with wide pleading eyes. That were only slightly overexaggerated (fully).

"Aww, you looked for me? How sweet. I'm truly touched." She moved a hand to her hear while somehow keeping the grin off of her face. It was a miracle that she managed to keep the full smirk off her face there.

"Not happy was putting it lightly. Scott locked me in the X-Brig and put that on me." She shook her head. "Piotr was extremely unhappy and very vocal about not appreciating his little snowflake being locked up in chains. I understand though. I'm not to be trusted. I used a mutant for his power that had previously almost destroyed reality. I did it all without consulting anyone else." And she'd do it all again without hesitation. "Scott doesn't like people who don't tell him things." She leaned in closer to Waver and almost whispered. "Kinda funny when you learn that he used to have a secret mutant assassin squad." From what she understood, everyone had been pretty angry to learn about his X-Force. She'd been dead at the time. Or a demon in Limbo. Time was so hard to deal with sometimes.

"It'd be even more funny if I told you what he'd just sent me out to do." Not that she hadn't been happy to volunteer for the mission he'd sent her out on.

“That does sound likely for a large group of teenagers, I have to admit.” He would maintain that he wouldn’t fit in with the group, even if evidence in both the present and past might prove otherwise. It’s the principle of the matter! Waver also would, in fact, call Illyana a brat regardless… But that could be said of several people, and he cared about them all, regardless.

“In some ways, though apparently I’m not quite as good at reading you as I should be… Yet.” he muttered, after all… She came back. He hadn’t expected that after she teleported away. Who would come back when they didn’t have to, if a less than pleasant topic was at hand? “Wasn’t really in the mood for soup anyway, it was just what I had around.” He added, dismissing the need to feel bad about the soup. Not that she felt bad about it, but he still at least offered the option to not on the off chance that she did.

Waver let out a long sigh at the rather dramatic response, the expression she gave him a little too intense, and so he tossed his head to the side to ignore it so it couldn’t work on him!! “Or maybe you just need a little practice to build up a resistance, you never know until you try. Plenty of things can be hard till you build up callouses and the like.” He grumped, like a grumpy old man of 29.

“What- no! I just… I noticed you weren’t around being your usual bratty self!” And there it was. He called her a brat after all! “And it’s only natural to seek out a coworker. There’s still a lot needing doing around the school!” He is trying a little too hard to make his search sound more logical than about any particular feeling regarding her disappearance. One could point out easily that if he needed help with something at the academy, he also could have gone to Harry. Yes, the mage definitely protested too much on the subject of worrying about his friend.

Still, the mage’s impressive frown continued to deepen as she explained in a little more detail. “Nothing like putting a damn noose around someone’s neck and waiting for them to pull the trapdoor’s lever themselves as though it keeps the blood from your hands in the end…” He muttered, folding his arms. “Can’t say I like people not telling me important plan details either, but you don’t see me putting explosives on anyone.” He couldn’t stand the way some people operated, but he’d never say they deserved something like that. Though the association… Well, he can’t deny that someone as powerful as Illyana wouldn’t receive a sealing designation for that and her actions, as rarely as they were handed out...

His thoughts were interrupted though at the half whispered secret. “Ah, so he’s a hypocrite too. Somehow unsurprising of people in power.” It called back to the idea that they really didn’t come from worlds that were all that different in some ways. His thoughts slowed to a halt though as she continued. “Somehow I feel like ‘funny’ is a bit of a stretch.” He offered, moving to sit down and gesturing to a chair. “What was it?”

"Sometimes it's easy to forget that we really were just kids." For just an instant there was an almost wistful quality to her voice and expression. It only lasted an instant before she brought the smirk back. Couldn't let him catch on to her thinking about the past like that! Or let on to the fact that she might have had some lingering thoughts about how they were treated as kids. At least he hadn't agreed out loud that she was a brat, while it was the truth she'd have had to disagree on principle.

"Nobody is. You know, not even the telepaths back home can read me. They don't like what they find if I let them in." So, he shouldn't really feel bad about not being able to read her completely. "I wouldn't be in the mood for that kind of soup ever." Should she really criticize someone else's food choices after what she'd had to eat in Limbo? No, probably not. Was she going to anyway? Of course (which may have made her predictable really).

"Luckily for me I don't have to worry about building up tolerance, I'm free now to teleport into anything I want." Unfortunate for him though probably. "You'll just have to get used to it." She let out a bark of a laugh at that. "You did miss me!! I'm really touched! You've moved me. Though you may want to lay off the protesting. You know what they say...." Of course she had to point it out. There was no other option than to bring his abundance of protesting up.

"Guess you don't value control as much as Scott does." She didn't hate him for it though and there wasn't really malice in her voice with the statement. She had led an army, she knew what it was like from his position, and in some ways she could respect it. At the very least she could respect his desire to protect his people and the position they had. It didn't mean she liked it. It also didn't mean she didn't recognize that yes, Scott was a massive hypocrite. Sure, she'd had some personal motivations behind what she did. But she'd had some earnest ones too. She'd seen a future where everyone she cared about died and she wanted to prevent that. She'd also been missing part of her soul. Seemed like an important detail there.

"He sent me to broker a deal with Cyttorak, an extra-dimensional demon." Or basically a demon. Close enough really. "He has an avatar on Earth and his avatar was going on an unstoppable rampage. To stop him, Scott sent me to inform Cyttorak of the fact that his avatar had chosen to serve another being instead of him. Then I was supposed to offer myself up as a new avatar." She tilted her head again still smiling. "When you become the Juggernaut you get extreme strength and invulnerability but also a lot of rage and anger. Eternally."

“Too easy to forget sometimes until you stop and think a little more deeply about it.” He mused, shaking his head. Her smirk wasn’t fooling anyone, or at least not him. Most of his kids probably didn’t see themselves that way either. Not that they weren’t as capable as most adults, some were more so, but that wasn’t always the point. Sometimes you had to stop and remind them and you of the facts. To let them just be what they were in whatever little ways you still could. “I’d say most people don’t like what they find in other peoples heads, but I understand what you mean.” He added, though he was still serious about trying to read her better… He couldn’t be jumping and reacting at every little thing she did forever, right?

… Right…?

“Good thing I wasn’t making it for two.” Waver isn’t defending the soup, though! He really doesn’t like it either, but it was all that was left in the back of his cupboard… And he was lazy. “Ran out of bread for sandwiches, that’s all.” And you didn’t waste food, so canned soup had been quick and easy. “Luckily for you, yeah.” He agreed. They both knew it was less lucky for him and whoever else she liked to pop in and out on! And yet he never demanded she leave, at least not yet.

His ears absolutely were a little red in embarrassment at the laughter, not to mention it got worse as she pointed out the obvious. “Sh-shut up, geez!” The expression on the mage’s face clearly going between thinking ‘I can’t believe I missed this brat that annoys me so much!’ and trying to decide if throwing a cushion from the sofa at someone like Illyana would be a waste of time or if it would effectively stop the teasing. “I stand by what I said, and leave it at that.” He mumbled finally, not necessarily denying it but still being a bit petty about letting her win this one.

“Guess not…” He gets pissed off and can lash out sometimes, yeah, but… Well, a bomb collar was an extreme in his opinion. The fact that there wasn’t a hint of malice in the woman’s voice as she commented was… not unfamiliar. A sort of resignation that certain people were just like that, regardless of how you felt about it. Not unlike how you had to accept most mages, even the warped ones.

Waver felt a stomach ache coming on, and not a mild one, as she continued to explain. “Sounds like a damnably stupid plan to me.” Yeah, no, Waver clearly doesn’t sound like he likes that much. Not even counting the fact that she’d been put up becoming someone else’s puppet…? As someone who tended to be mildly annoyed to angry most of the time, it seemed like a pretty bad idea to make someone as powerful as Illyana already was into something like that in the first place. “Was that something pending or did you already deal with that?” Considering she’d only shown up with the bomb collar, he’s guessing it didn’t go the way this Scott intended if it had happened.

"You'd be surprised, most telepaths are way too comfortable rooting around in people's minds." Maybe they got used to it, or maybe they just got too cynical to care. A part of Illyana felt like it was that one, but perhaps that was simply because she had plenty of her own experience with becoming too cynical to care. In all honesty, she'd be pretty amused if he did continue to jump forever. It at least meant she didn't have to try to mix up her material at all.

"Would you ever? Hard to imagine you inviting someone over and cooking a meal for them." But it might be kind of a funny thing to have happen. "Maybe you could host a party for the imps. I bet they miss you." He'd be great host, serving soup and possibly some sandwiches if he remembered bread for them. They'd probably enjoy themselves at least, they had enjoyed using his kitchen. A lot more than Waver had enjoyed it.

"Hmm....I'm feeling generous, so I'll leave it at that for now." But she was most certainly the time to remember the information and bring it up later. Not to tease him about it of course (but definitely to tease him about it). "But I'll remember." Was that too ominous? Oh, she hoped it was. A pillow would have been a fine choice of a weapon against her, she'd had more than her share thrown at her by her friend Kitty over the years. Not that it happened anymore, there were no fun times with Kitty anymore. Not after everything...

Well, she was moving on quickly from that line of thinking.

"Don't feel bad, not many people do." She respected Scott as a leader, but thought perhaps he put a bit a too much emphasis on control. It would eventually catch up to him. But who was she to say anything about that after all she'd done?

"There have been worse plans. An Avatar is needed to stop him. Or the other will keep running around unstoppable. He's the Juggernaut after all." Unstoppable was his claim to fame. "I was thinking of altering the plan anyway." She wasn't entirely sure why she was admitting that to him or why she was thinking of that at all. From the start she'd thought of this other plan, born fully out of self-loathing and a reckless need to destroy the image that her brother had of her. More important than that it came from a deep place of frustration over her brother's seemingly endless desire to sacrifice himself for her of all people. He was good; she wasn't, but he wouldn't see that. He'd give his life and his soul for her without thought and she was tired of it.

"I showed up as I teleported to his dimension. So not yet settled."

Waver opened his mouth to argue (because when doesn’t he?), but closed it with a small annoyed humph. “Fair point.” He invited his students over for the occasional movie night over the holidays, but that involved snacks, not a full meal… And his social life was mostly…. Nonexistent beyond them and his sister. So, really, Illyana wasn’t wrong. With an embarrassed shrug, he continued. “It’s not like I’ve had the time or the social life for it.” The Imps… No. Definitely. Absolutely. Not. “Too bad for them. They’ll have to keep missing me.” He responded dryly, before adding to that same tone. “At least they have you to console them.”

Honestly, he’d take what he could get for now on that subject, a reprieve from teasing about that at least would be nice considering the mess this all seemed like the more that Illyana spoke. “I would appreciate that.” He sighed. It was too much to hope that she’d forget about it altogether…. But he still could dare to dream, right? Right. He always was a bit of a fool that way… The pillow need not be thrown, for now at least, but that wasn’t to say it wouldn’t happen at some point. He was a bit too reactionary to not sometimes.

Waver made a face, not about to admit that he had a particular feeling about leaders like that. It’s complicated for a few reasons, but he would let her have that. It wasn’t like he hadn’t respected Kayneth on some level back then either, even after he’d announced his intent to kill him in a proper duel between mages (not that he got the chance). If he hadn’t respected him, he might not have taken responsibility for the fallout of what happened… Honestly, if Waver knew what his friend was thinking, he’d agree. Things like that always caught up to you eventually, no matter how capable or smart you were.

He still thought strapping a bomb to someone and trying to sacrifice them for the ‘greater good’ was extreme and utter hogwash. A waste of life and someone’s like Illyana’s potential for so much in the world. It’s one thing to die because you chose to fight and fell short against your opponent. It was another for someone to decide for you. Or maybe he was tired of seeing people around him go to their deaths or worse, the case with Wills still weighing on him a bit…

“Just because there have been worse plans doesn’t mean it’s not a shit plan.” He muttered, but he knows it’s probably not his place to judge when he wasn’t from there and he can’t fully understand a situation in a world where he didn’t live. And some of his own plans were risky, if not bordering on self destructive in desperate situations. But… the fact that Illyana thought the plan could be altered meant a potential for a different plan in the first place, thus proving that it didn’t necessarily have to go down in the way Scott planned it to. Who knew how many alternative plans could be devised with a different outcome, at least that’s how he saw it… Then again, he was never good at lying down and accepting things as they were without at least trying. “Were you? How so?” Because, well… He was nosy for one, for another he’d like to know what she was going to end up dealing with. Not that the knowledge would help or be a comfort, but he still thought it was better than not knowing.

Especially as he frowned to hear that she arrived just as she was going to try this whole plan out…. What was with Aterat and damnably inconvenient timing?

"How rare for you to accept it so easily." When would she actually stop teasing him? Probably never. Particularly not if he gave embarrassed shrugs like that, it only fueled her desire to tease all the more. "No time, no desire, or not ability? The imps could be great social friends." Come on, take them from her and learn how to socialize. Or teach them how to socialize, which would surely be a disaster. A fun one to watch though. A very fun one.

If she had really wanted to she could have said a lot about Scott, but she bit her lip there. What point would there be to talking good or bad about him here? Nobody she spoke much to knew anything about him. So, she left it as simply as she could: that she understood the motives and position he found himself in. Did she think his plans were good? No. Not at all, but she did think he had the best of intentions and the best wishes for their people. He wanted mutants to thrive, he just didn't really know how to accomplish it. Nobody did.

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing will actually happen to me. Other than becoming the new Avatar." Which....wasn't really too great of a thing to become. Invulnerability and super strength at the cost of an insatiable thirst for violence. It certainly wouldn't have been something she'd have actually allowed to go through. "Not that I intend to actually become his new avatar. I never intend to serve someone like that again." Not now, not ever. She hesitated for a moment before answering him. "Piotr came. Perhaps it's his time to learn what it's like to live in darkness."

Waver cast a look at Illyana that was usually reserved for Reines at her most devilish. “I may be a fool at times, but even I know when it’s better to admit the truth, and that’s that.” He huffed, tone sour and souring further when she continued. “I have plenty of ability, thanks. It’s not like cooking is hard, just time consuming. So no, no time, and a lack of desire considering a sandwich means more time for other things compared to a full meal.” The mage recognized he could be a bit lazy and sad sometimes, but he at least knew how to cook. It would be weird if he had no skills with following recipes or measuring out ingredients give his profession in the first place. It just was more effort and energy than was worth expending most of the time.

“And I’ve seen what the imps are like for house guests. I’ll pass.” It’s like having a multiple of his student Flat around, but with somehow even less sense and ability to follow direction! The fact that he even missed the little chaotic teenager on some level was honestly a bit confusing, really. Then again, he had missed Illyana too when she disappeared… He was a complicated individual.

The mage did not look impressed by the ‘other than becoming the new Avatar’ after she’d explained what that was. He can’t judge if she actively chose to go through with it herself. There were mages whose family craft changed them extensively in the pursuit of advancing it. But the idea that it was someone else’s plan and someone else suggested it that rubbed him the wrong way. Instead, he listened to Illyana continue, because there was more to it. The other idea she had to pursue instead of accepting it. And… Ah, well, that’s a bit complicated, now wasn’t it? “Your brother.” Well, shit. But, given the way she spoke about him… It wasn’t surprising that he’d try to offer himself up instead.

“And he’s aware of what that means?” No, he probably did if he didn’t want Illyana to go through with Scott’s plan. The better question was, “How do you feel about that?” Her brother would be different, and he remembered how she shared the stories about him both with a certain fondness and frustration back around the holidays. He knows the anguish that comes with having to stand aside and watch something happen that you feel you should be in the middle of instead.

The look actually caught her attention and for a vague moment she looked oddly...interested. She tilted her head and gave him a smile that showed some sort of appreciation for his own look. "You're only a fool sometimes." Was that...a compliment? Almost. It was her brand of compliment. Immediately though her grin returned to being more lopsided and her tone went back to teasing. Ah, that brief moment of almost appreciation was gone just like that. "My mother was a great cook. She made it seem so easy and fast." But she'd also been 6 the last time she'd eaten or seen her mother.

She sighed an overexaggerated sigh and slumped her shoulders dejectedly. It was an act of course, but she still felt the need to. "Fine. You'll miss them eventually." No, he really wouldn't, but she'd drop the idea in his head and hope.

"Of course he is. The Juggernaut has been an enemy of the X-Men for a long time. He's fought him tons of times. Knows everything about what it means to be an avatar and to be the Juggernaut. But...if he thought I was going to take it, he'd jump to take it from me. Anything to save his snowflake." Oh the bitterness that laced the word snowflake was rich indeed. "I think it's what he deserves." The words come out too quickly and she looked away with a mixture of shock and shame for what had just come out of her own mouth. How could she think that about Piotr of all people? What had spurred that in her of all things? She squeezed her eyes shut and her shoulders fell forward as she thought of his face as he held her, spun her around when she'd come back and called her his snowflake again.

"He...he keeps calling me that. Every day he comes to see me, tells he talked to Scott again today to try to get his snowflake free. It's like I'm still the little girl that died to him."

But she wasn't. That version of herself had died. This version of her had a soul of some kind, pieces of it that she'd put back together, but she also had darkness all over. "He doesn't see the taint. The disgusting creature that I really am." Her voice grew small but there was an edge, a twisted coldness. "I know him. I saw it. He would sacrifice himself for his snowflake again and again. He sacrifices himself all the time! He sacrificed himself to cure the virus that killed me. No thought to who he'd leave behind, he just did it because it'd taken me." He needed to learn. To understand she wasn't worth that.

It felt a little like a compliment, and frankly coming from anyone that would be weird… So he wasn’t sure what to do with that, looking a little perplexed as he tried to read further into it. Can you see the wheels turning in his head, Illyana? The hamsters are running on their little legs more quickly than usual! At least he was saved from an awkward, uncertain response as the familiar and… somehow more comfortable energy returned to their conversation. Weirdly, the challenge of dealing with a person teasing him was easier. It was what he was used to. “Ah… Well, mothers often seem to know what they're doing and do so with practiced ease more quickly, don’t they?” Oof, how long has it been since he thought of his own outside the context of her probable disappointment in what he had ended up doing with this life?

“Hmph, keep telling yourself that.” The little lies they tell themselves to keep hope alive, right? … Yep, he’s not going to think about that too hard either. But the point stood. Pigs might fly sooner than he would miss the little imps and their expertise at making messes that made certain students look like angels.

Waver opened his mouth to voice his understanding, but… Oh, so much more came from Illyana than he anticipated after asking in the first place. Instead, the professor found himself remaining silent rather than interrupting. Because, really, what could he say? This was… Unexpected to say the least.

Illyana shared with him now and again… But it was usually little snippets, stories from her past here, an offhand comment there masked as if she didn’t want him examining it too closely. This was more like a flood escaping a dam. A moment of vulnerability that he wasn’t often granted from the people around him, though to be fair, mages were taught to control their emotions and tongues from a young age. It was part of his problem. He spoke too much and wore a lot more on his face than he should sometimes, especially when he was a little younger. He could talk the talk now, of course, especially when it was in the best interest of his students… But this had caught him off balance.

The man rubs a hand along the back of his neck awkwardly. How the hell do you handle the kinds of emotions Illyana was sharing when you understood it from both sides in your own way? He’d watched people die so he and others could live, if not allow themselves to go down paths where they would never be seen again or never be who they were before… Different from a brother, but it was still a hard thing to watch every damn time. Waver also knew he’d damn well walk into the line of fire if it meant keeping certain people safe. Both out of duty from a promise made and because he came to care about them in his own way. Hell… He knows why he didn’t want Gray to fight that woman, her target had been him and if the train saw the two woman as a threat it would have reacted against them both. If he was dead, at least he knew he’d prevented something.

“To not be seen, to be reminded of… Well, before what happened, every time he refers to you can’t be easy. Hell, it’d make me angry too.” He offered with a small frown. Anger was a problem in a lot of ways, though, most of his emotions were easier to bury underneath it. Illyana’s seemed to be near exploding though, something long running and having been contained for a while concerning her brother. Waver himself wouldn’t want to be seen as he once was, even if it was in a different way than Illyana altogether. The past was the past, it was dead and reserved for memory.

But… That self loathing, that bothers him for some reason he can’t quite explain. “Does he not see the taint, or does he choose to see everything else that’s there with it, I wonder.” Because there’s more there, whether she likes it or not. Her soul might be cobbled together with whatever pieces she could find, might be tainted with the darkness of who she was now and what had happened to her… but it was there and it was clear she wasn’t okay with just damning everyone without caring. She was willing to do what needed to be done regardless of the trouble it would get her into, and some people couldn’t understand what it took to make those decisions. “Not that it makes it better. It makes you feel like hell when people decide to sacrifice themselves for you, when they take the choice out of everyone’s hands and don’t give you a chance. Especially when it feels like they have so much more to offer the world than you do.”

"Working hard, huh?" There was absolutely no way she couldn't at least comment on how hard it seemed he was working to try to figure out what she meant by what she'd said. That was more like it. There was something really satisfying about knowing she'd confused him. "They do, usually." There was a certain curtness in her saying that, as if she were dismissing the subject of mothers. Despite the fact that she was the one that brought it up, she still didn't really want to think about her loss there for too long.

Stories, snippets, that was how Illyana had communicated with everyone since her return to life. Even when she'd allowed a telepath into her mind she still hadn't let her see everything. At first she did so to keep her secrets and to make sure people didn't know her true intentions. At least that's what she'd told everyone, including herself. The truth was more complicated than that, but it always was. The truth was that she wanted to keep a distance for a number of reasons that varied from not thinking she deserved companionship to her being ashamed of what they might say if they knew.

She kept her arms wrapped around herself and shifted from one foot to the other. It was unusual for her to feel such awkwardness and yet that was precisely what she was feeling right now. Why had she admitted so much? Why had she gotten so emotional? Was this the full extent of what it meant to have her soul back? "We could just ignore I said anything." She could just teleport away. Forget this sinking feeling in her stomach as she thought of Piotr's anger at her being kept in the prison in the X-Brig. His anger at his snowflake being treated like a criminal. His refusal to admit that what she'd done had made her into a criminal.

"He doesn't understand,.." she hadn't expected him to say anything that made her feel like sharing more. She hadn't expected him to seem to understand in a strange way. "No, he understands. He just refuses to accept it." Maybe that's what made her the most angry. He refused to accept that things had changed. She wasn't the little girl he had known and she never would be again.

His next words though caused her head to snap up and she narrowed her eyes at him. "There's nothing else there for him to see. I chose to get my revenge at the cost of lying and manipulating everyone I'd once cared for. I put their lives in jeopardy. In Limbo many almost died. I did it all for me, for my revenge." Again, the truth was more complicated than that. She had done it for revenge, that wasn't a lie, but she'd also seen the future where her friends all died after the Elder Ones invaded. She'd wanted to stop that too, to save them. The revenge though...that had been so much of it. Too much. "It doesn't matter if I lacked a soul, I still made those choices." Yet her brother seemed to still think there was good and so did some of the others. Even after everything the New Mutants had still come to see her down there and she didn't understand that either. She hadn't deserved it.

"He has everything to offer. He's an artist. Gentle. Good. Everything I'm not." But maybe...things she wished she could be.

Waver grimaced and sighed a touch dramatically at the comment in response. It would be better for him if he didn’t react at all, but… Alas. The curtness that followed was… Odd to him, but Waver also wasn’t particularly keen to follow the subject of mothers himself. So it wasn’t like he was going to push this one. It seemed parents were a sticky subject for the both of them.

The awkwardness, the closed off stance and the way she seemed to be uncertain about how to proceed… It was so strange to see her like this. Waver carefully kept his distance and remained on the sofa. He wasn’t great with this by any means, but he knew he certainly didn’t like being crowded when he felt emotional. Hell, the fact that she hadn’t instantly teleported away when he responded was shocking. He would have been tempted to in her place, and he didn’t want to accidentally push her to do just that. “I could try if that’s what you want, but most people would tell you I’m terrible at ignoring most things, even when it’s for the best.” It’s a poor attempt at levity, but it was an attempt.

That aside, from what Waver could tell… he didn’t think she really wanted to pretend she hadn’t said anything, even if it would be easier. Especially as his small offer of returned understanding seemed be the nudge needed for her to continue. It seemed, sometimes, that people refused to accept the truth in front of them regardless of how the person involved felt. They all had things they refused to accept, things that would be easier to let go of but couldn’t… Even if it was better for them in the end.

He winced a little at the narrowed gaze. It wasn’t like he wanted to pick at a sore spot… But it seemed to him that Illyana refused to see there was more to her than the negative she kept talking about. Like it was easier to pretend she was simply terrible and unworthy, even if she wanted to be. Which definitely wouldn’t help the situation with her brother. “No? Seems to me like regardless of these motives you're trying to convince me of, there is.” Though to him, it sounded more like she was trying to convince herself that those were her only motives. “There have been plenty of times I’ve seen more to you than the one side.” Should he have said any of that? No, it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. Unfortunately, Waver wasn’t one to tell people what they wanted to hear if it wasn’t the right thing.

There’s a softer tone in his voice, a little less awkward as he glanced at her. “It’s always the people who have the most to give the world around them that go on ahead of you.” And it always felt like such a waste. Another notch added to the collection of failures to fix something. But there was also something to be said for Illyana’s words, the way she always shared? Even in her anger, the way she cared about Piotr shone through. Unfortunately, anger tended to make you say things that you didn’t really mean, not deep down… and it made you act too quickly. Hers definitely seemed to have reached a certain point, even as it ebbed when she actually talked about her brother without thinking about how upset she was.

There's a small bit of relief that he moved on from that subject with no prodding. At least he'd learned that there were times where things were best left to rest. Perhaps they shared a certain bit of discomfort when it came to parents. Whatever the reason it was at the very least a reason to be grateful.

Unlike everything else in this conversation. Everything about it made her feel awkward, vulnerable, and just plain awful. She hated it. At least he hadn't tried to move around to her to offer her physical comfort. That would have been probably the worst thing that he could have done to someone with as many issues as she had. "Of course. I wouldn't expect anything else from you." From what she knew of him she could imagine him fully being the type that would keep talking about something even if it was completely against what would end up being best for him. "I could make you." Or she could just leave. Why wasn't she just leaving? Maybe a part of her actually needed to talk about all of this (not that she'd ever admit to that).

Which meant that his assessment that she didn't really want to pretend she hadn't said anything was true. Not that she entirely knew that in her own mind, which perhaps made it all the worse. Why did she know so very little about her own workings?

"What are these other sides then?" Her eyes met his to issue a challenge to him. Out of nowhere her expression took on a world of defiance as she prepared to argue this to the grave. It was such a ridiculous thing to argue with, but really he'd started it. He was the one that wouldn't just lie and say that he thought she was all evil. If he'd just not been so damn stubborn.

"He's too stupid, too naïve. I hate it..." she swallowed hard as she looked back down, the defiance deflating out of her. "When I first came back as the Darkchilde, he searched for me endlessly. Every time though I ran away. I didn't want him to see how I looked..." her head hung low. "I thought...it would be different when my soul returned, when I came back. It hasn't been. He saw me, he knows what I did, but he looks at me the same." There was a long pause there before she admitted in a lower tone. "He's the only one." Everyone else looked at her with various forms of disgust, disappointment, and fear.

Waver wouldn’t be surprised if she could make him, but she’d have to actually want to… The fact that she hadn’t jumped straight to that either seemed to prove his thoughts on the matter of her sharing further. Not that he’s going to point it out, he knows they’re on thin ice. A wrong step and something is going to give, probably in a very unpleasant way, for one or both of them.

The mage didn’t actually expect her to ask for a list, hell he expected her to just tell him that he was wrong and move on. So his confidence faltered, if only because this is so far outside his expertise. This wasn’t teaching the basics of magic. It wasn’t a battle of wits between himself and a mage better than him… It was someone trying to prove a point he knew to be false. If this were an enemy, he wouldn’t care about what illusions or sore-spots he trampled on with his hyper-observant nature, but it wasn’t an enemy… It was an ally… a rare friend for all she liked to mess with him.

Clearing his throat, he recovered a half a second after the initial falter. “Fine, but don’t forget after this that you asked me what they were.”

Then the mage started with an awkward frown. “For someone who thinks they’re only a tainted, self-serving individual… you sure seem to think a lot about other people. And I’m not just talking about the situation with your brother. I know there’s a little kid that follows you around the academy on occasion. No one takes on working with kids lightly, Illyana. We choose to.” That was the big one, and the easier one to point out. He didn’t know much about their situation, but it didn’t seem like the kid wasn’t wanted.

“You can be quite thoughtful too, whether you like it pointed out or not. Do you know what usually happens when I bring up my stomach problems? People crack jokes or roll their eyes, and yet your first instinct was to offer to help me with the medication situation here.” He could count the people who took a more gentle approach on one hand. It was better to keep this shit to yourself. Mages weren’t supposed to show weakness, and should be able to weaponise someone else’s. “And you don’t take the easy way out. You make hard decisions, even if you know it might paint you in a bad light. You could have left my sorry ass to the shadows in the mirrorverse when things started to get hairy, instead you obliterated them even if you knew it would mean I’d see the side of you that you clearly expected to be judged for.” He remembered the horns, the way she’d spoken when he asked.

So, sure, she had a darker side… But she wasn’t just that, no one was just one thing… And Waver had spent years trying to prove to himself that they could become more than they were in the past, to grow. Maybe that meant he was a little more resistant to just agreeing on that front when it came to other people… Maybe that made him a bit of a fool… But someone once taught him that sometimes it was better to be a fool who tried in the face of what seemed like an impossible situation than someone who just gave up without trying.

The only one, huh… Sometimes it only took one person to make the difference in your life and how you saw yourself, or sometimes it just made you question that one person endlessly… Sometimes it was a bit of both. “People who care about you… Really care about you, they’re bloody stupid like that.” He responded with a small frown, though his tone lacked any bite. “Can’t make them toss you aside even if you think they should, they just believe in what they see of you.” He ended with a sigh, the mage knew it well enough from being one or the other party depending on the situation.

While few people would probably admit to it, one of the things that seemed to bothered people the most about Illyana wasn't her lack of morals or her previous lack of soul. No, those things were just the surface level of what made her somewhat unnerving. The real thing that bothered people deep down was something a telepath back home had discovered first hand: nobody really knew what she was capable of. The worst part of that was probably that Illyana herself didn't know her limits. It made for an uneasy and deadly combination.
When she'd asked him for a list she'd intended it as a gatcha moment; one where he'd realize how stupid this argument was and just give up in exasperation. She probably should have known that wouldn't be the case with him of all people. Her eyes narrowed as he started and she opened her mouth to cut him off but he moved on too quickly for her to stop him. He was actually going to do this, wasn't he?

"Kids are innocent. They should be protected but also taught so if they're ever taken away from your protection they can defend themselves." That had clearly touched a nerve with her. There was a protective urge in her that always came out when children were involved. "I know what it is like to be taken and forgotten. To be scared and unable to do anything." Which meant it was her duty to try to make certain others didn't feel that same way. It was something she did for her own comfort as much as theirs.

"You'd be useless to me if you keeled over from a burst appendix or whatever." Clearly that was the only reason, okay? "There aren't too many intelligent and competent people here. I have to take what I can get." That's all there was to it! The next one left her without an excuse to defend it though. "That..." quick, think of a reason. She hadn't really needed him for anything. There was no logical reason to help him other than she hadn't wanted anything to happen to him. "It might have upset the balance to leave you there." That was the weakest excuse she had ever given about anything in her complicated life.

She squeezed her arms around herself again, clearly momentarily at a loss for words. An actual list with things she couldn't refute had not been in her cards. "Beaten at my own game..." Really did feel somewhat bad and yet...also oddly nice. It was the first time anyone had really said anything nice to her since her return. Aside from her brother, but his words sometimes rang so hollow. They often seemed like they came from him speaking about a memory, not her. This seemed...more pointed...and strangely, more like something she could believe in. He had never seemed like someone that would lie to her, Waver certainly wouldn't say nice things to her just to get on her good side. He was too blunt for that. He meant it and that felt...strange.

"Sometimes it's easier with the ones that look at me with fear and disgust. I know I won't disappoint them. But sometimes..." she sighed. Why was she saying any of this of her own choosing? "Sometimes I remember what it was like to have friends." And it was nice. Sometimes it came through how very young Illyana actually was. Even she wasn't certain of her exact age given her time spent in Limbo, but she wasn't too far into her twenties and in this moment it seemed to show.

Waver let her try to counter him, but… It’s pretty clear by his expression that he wasn’t buying most of it.

Hell, the impermanence of their existence in Aterat alone made the endeavor of watching out for others or teaching them the skills they needed, regardless of their age, almost pointless… but neither of them were thinking about that when push came to shove. They cared about the people they happened to get attached to, and so they operated as their instincts dictated. Her reasoning for offering to help with his health gets a very curious raised brow. Intelligent and competent, huh? That came out more like a compliment than she probably meant for it to, so the mage tried to keep himself from pointing that one out.

And they both knew the ‘balance’ thing was a flimsy lie. The mirror world had already proven that anyone who walked through the glass would be returned somewhere around a week later, whether they found their way out on their own or not.

“I did warn you.” He responded gently, but (perhaps surprisingly) without any mocking tone in his voice as she admitted she had been bested. Waver rarely lost a game like this, after all. He was a know it all and too observant when it came to the people and world around him for his own good. The mage was just lucky today’s wasn’t one involving something who had it out for him. He just hoped it helped… put some things into perspective for her, gave her a reason to stop and look at things with a calmer mind later.

Waver couldn’t deny that she had a point. It was easier, sometimes, to let people think the worst of you so they wouldn’t be disappointed. How often did he already talk himself down, and brush off the more negative things said about him by other mages? He didn’t even try to counter them, because he felt that much was true and it simply… didn’t matter, he told himself. “Even the most solitary of us needs some form of companionship. It’s not a bad thing to want friends and allies to stand with.” He offered with a tilt of his head, understanding the want, and the slight fear of opening yourself up to that. His pool was smallish, after all, even back in his world. “Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean it’s not without its complications, even with those you have.”

And it was hard to not feel a little reminded of his students, and the amount of work that went into nudging them gently in the direction of relying on each other instead of just themselves. Svin and Flat had been a nightmare of a different kind early on, after all.

"Your warning was insufficient." Though her tone seemed as though she may have come around to admitting defeat. The thing that really got him the winning blow was that he didn't actually have any sort of mocking in his tone. Which was surprising to her, surprising enough for her to actually look visibly surprised. Surprised and conflicted. It did mean something, particularly coming from someone that was honest more than not. It made it nearly impossible for her to counter or disagree that he had a point. Or that he'd made a point.

"I--" she hesitated for a moment, raised a hand awkwardly and then said: "thank you." But that was all she got out before she finally chose her usual reaction to when she felt conflicted: she teleported away. Though...strangely, before she went, she had a tiny lopsided smile on her face.

He supposed in a way it had been, at least in that she’d never been on the receiving end of his observations before… And it had been more than a little personal for her, to hear things she’d clearly be more comfortable denying about herself. He opened his mouth to respond, but she had started talking again and he didn’t want to interrupt, so he held his tongue and simply waited.

The thanks… was unexpected, admittedly… He wasn’t used to being thanks after something like that to begin with, so it caught his attention and made him look up again. Only she had already teleported away, though not before he had caught sight of a small smile. He let out a small sigh before smiling a little to himself as well. “You’re welcome.” He offered the empty room, easier to respond alone. Sure, she had still teleported away like expected her to do at some point… But at least it wasn’t because of some egregious error on his part. Maybe this had at least done something to help.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Tuck a knife with my heart up my sleeve

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject