Tuck a knife with my heart up my sleeve

[soulsword]

Who; Illyana+ OTA
What; After a little canon update
Where; Market, Graveyard, Arena
When;6/24 initially, 6/25 and further after
Warnings; Will update when needed

A. {Closed to Waver} To Need to Use a Door...

Illyana did not like the idea of having to ask for help and yet that was where she was right now. The only thing that was worse than having to ask for assistance was having to use the door to do so. Normal boring people used doors, not Illyana, certainly not Magik. It was awful. Demeaning. Terrible. Yet, she had to do it. After all she had two options here: ask the imps to help as they had previously offered or get help elsewhere. She'd already rejected the imps assistance and she was not going to give them the satisfaction of going to them now. That left the first option as the only real option in her mind, as unfortunate as it was.

At the end of the day the most important thought was getting this device off of her without something going terribly wrong. Now that she was back in this place she could recall the time she had died and that wasn't something she wanted to experience. Not with everything else going on in her mind. Which...was quite a lot the more she thought about it. Much more. She'd had such a strong plan when she'd gotten Scott's permission to leave, such high ideals, and yet now that she was here everything seemed more...complicated. Her mind felt blurry, mixing with the memories of the lessons she'd learned here, the progress she'd made, and the place she'd been back home. A dark place where she'd come to accept that her brother was never going to understand. No, if she wished for him to understand her she'd need to act. And to act she...

She shook her head. No. First things first. Removing this device. Then perhaps she could think.

It took her too long to actually get to Waver's place (which left her even more frustrated) and then she stopped in front of the door and did the unthinkable: she knocked. She knocked and she waited.

This was awful. He was never going to let her live this down.

B. {OTA} You got me thinking that I was too mean (Arena)

[ Magik had been freed. Unleashed for the first time in months and she needed to stretch her legs. Both metaphorically and magically (or magickally, the clearly correct way) and so she went to the Arena. Her mind was a mess of the memories from here and the newer memories from her home. Anger, frustration, confusion, and bitterness all swirled in her mind like a hurricane. Emotional hurricane's from broken people needed a release somehow and so she fought. For most fights she relied on her soulword and her teleportation skills. For some though she brought out the magic, using blasts of energy and even an illusion here and there. She was fierce and brutal, lethal in the way she cut her foes down.

But there were lulls between matches and you might catch her during those lulls. Perhaps getting water or answering a question or two about where she learned to fight (her answer is Hell each time). She might even be looking for a snack or two. Say hi if you dare. ]

C. {OTA} I just fuck things up, if you noticed (Market/Graveyard)

[ Illyana eventually took her winnings to the Market to make a few purchases. She still had the clothes she'd worn on, though they were splattered with blood and other...even less pleasant things. She was currently wandering through the stalls, picking up random things and then putting them back down as if her mind were only partially paying attention to what she was doing. If she forgot to pay for an item, well, she'd eventually acknowledge someone calling her on it. Or a shopkeeper chasing her down. Or perhaps even the guards being called.

Eventually she finds herself standing outside the graveyard, a wash of emotions overtaking her as she remembered various meetings she'd had her. Those meetings overlapped with the times she'd spent over the graves of those she'd lost back home. Of her own grave. Of the darkness inside of her and the soot black soul she now thought tainted everything about her. She lingered at the entrance as if she were almost afraid to simply walk in. ]

Comments

[ask_whydunit]

It felt a little like a compliment, and frankly coming from anyone that would be weird… So he wasn’t sure what to do with that, looking a little perplexed as he tried to read further into it. Can you see the wheels turning in his head, Illyana? The hamsters are running on their little legs more quickly than usual! At least he was saved from an awkward, uncertain response as the familiar and… somehow more comfortable energy returned to their conversation. Weirdly, the challenge of dealing with a person teasing him was easier. It was what he was used to. “Ah… Well, mothers often seem to know what they're doing and do so with practiced ease more quickly, don’t they?” Oof, how long has it been since he thought of his own outside the context of her probable disappointment in what he had ended up doing with this life?

“Hmph, keep telling yourself that.” The little lies they tell themselves to keep hope alive, right? … Yep, he’s not going to think about that too hard either. But the point stood. Pigs might fly sooner than he would miss the little imps and their expertise at making messes that made certain students look like angels.

Waver opened his mouth to voice his understanding, but… Oh, so much more came from Illyana than he anticipated after asking in the first place. Instead, the professor found himself remaining silent rather than interrupting. Because, really, what could he say? This was… Unexpected to say the least.

Illyana shared with him now and again… But it was usually little snippets, stories from her past here, an offhand comment there masked as if she didn’t want him examining it too closely. This was more like a flood escaping a dam. A moment of vulnerability that he wasn’t often granted from the people around him, though to be fair, mages were taught to control their emotions and tongues from a young age. It was part of his problem. He spoke too much and wore a lot more on his face than he should sometimes, especially when he was a little younger. He could talk the talk now, of course, especially when it was in the best interest of his students… But this had caught him off balance.

The man rubs a hand along the back of his neck awkwardly. How the hell do you handle the kinds of emotions Illyana was sharing when you understood it from both sides in your own way? He’d watched people die so he and others could live, if not allow themselves to go down paths where they would never be seen again or never be who they were before… Different from a brother, but it was still a hard thing to watch every damn time. Waver also knew he’d damn well walk into the line of fire if it meant keeping certain people safe. Both out of duty from a promise made and because he came to care about them in his own way. Hell… He knows why he didn’t want Gray to fight that woman, her target had been him and if the train saw the two woman as a threat it would have reacted against them both. If he was dead, at least he knew he’d prevented something.

“To not be seen, to be reminded of… Well, before what happened, every time he refers to you can’t be easy. Hell, it’d make me angry too.” He offered with a small frown. Anger was a problem in a lot of ways, though, most of his emotions were easier to bury underneath it. Illyana’s seemed to be near exploding though, something long running and having been contained for a while concerning her brother. Waver himself wouldn’t want to be seen as he once was, even if it was in a different way than Illyana altogether. The past was the past, it was dead and reserved for memory.

But… That self loathing, that bothers him for some reason he can’t quite explain. “Does he not see the taint, or does he choose to see everything else that’s there with it, I wonder.” Because there’s more there, whether she likes it or not. Her soul might be cobbled together with whatever pieces she could find, might be tainted with the darkness of who she was now and what had happened to her… but it was there and it was clear she wasn’t okay with just damning everyone without caring. She was willing to do what needed to be done regardless of the trouble it would get her into, and some people couldn’t understand what it took to make those decisions. “Not that it makes it better. It makes you feel like hell when people decide to sacrifice themselves for you, when they take the choice out of everyone’s hands and don’t give you a chance. Especially when it feels like they have so much more to offer the world than you do.”

[soulsword]

"Working hard, huh?" There was absolutely no way she couldn't at least comment on how hard it seemed he was working to try to figure out what she meant by what she'd said. That was more like it. There was something really satisfying about knowing she'd confused him. "They do, usually." There was a certain curtness in her saying that, as if she were dismissing the subject of mothers. Despite the fact that she was the one that brought it up, she still didn't really want to think about her loss there for too long.

Stories, snippets, that was how Illyana had communicated with everyone since her return to life. Even when she'd allowed a telepath into her mind she still hadn't let her see everything. At first she did so to keep her secrets and to make sure people didn't know her true intentions. At least that's what she'd told everyone, including herself. The truth was more complicated than that, but it always was. The truth was that she wanted to keep a distance for a number of reasons that varied from not thinking she deserved companionship to her being ashamed of what they might say if they knew.

She kept her arms wrapped around herself and shifted from one foot to the other. It was unusual for her to feel such awkwardness and yet that was precisely what she was feeling right now. Why had she admitted so much? Why had she gotten so emotional? Was this the full extent of what it meant to have her soul back? "We could just ignore I said anything." She could just teleport away. Forget this sinking feeling in her stomach as she thought of Piotr's anger at her being kept in the prison in the X-Brig. His anger at his snowflake being treated like a criminal. His refusal to admit that what she'd done had made her into a criminal.

"He doesn't understand,.." she hadn't expected him to say anything that made her feel like sharing more. She hadn't expected him to seem to understand in a strange way. "No, he understands. He just refuses to accept it." Maybe that's what made her the most angry. He refused to accept that things had changed. She wasn't the little girl he had known and she never would be again.

His next words though caused her head to snap up and she narrowed her eyes at him. "There's nothing else there for him to see. I chose to get my revenge at the cost of lying and manipulating everyone I'd once cared for. I put their lives in jeopardy. In Limbo many almost died. I did it all for me, for my revenge." Again, the truth was more complicated than that. She had done it for revenge, that wasn't a lie, but she'd also seen the future where her friends all died after the Elder Ones invaded. She'd wanted to stop that too, to save them. The revenge though...that had been so much of it. Too much. "It doesn't matter if I lacked a soul, I still made those choices." Yet her brother seemed to still think there was good and so did some of the others. Even after everything the New Mutants had still come to see her down there and she didn't understand that either. She hadn't deserved it.

"He has everything to offer. He's an artist. Gentle. Good. Everything I'm not." But maybe...things she wished she could be.

[ask_whydunit]

Waver grimaced and sighed a touch dramatically at the comment in response. It would be better for him if he didn’t react at all, but… Alas. The curtness that followed was… Odd to him, but Waver also wasn’t particularly keen to follow the subject of mothers himself. So it wasn’t like he was going to push this one. It seemed parents were a sticky subject for the both of them.

The awkwardness, the closed off stance and the way she seemed to be uncertain about how to proceed… It was so strange to see her like this. Waver carefully kept his distance and remained on the sofa. He wasn’t great with this by any means, but he knew he certainly didn’t like being crowded when he felt emotional. Hell, the fact that she hadn’t instantly teleported away when he responded was shocking. He would have been tempted to in her place, and he didn’t want to accidentally push her to do just that. “I could try if that’s what you want, but most people would tell you I’m terrible at ignoring most things, even when it’s for the best.” It’s a poor attempt at levity, but it was an attempt.

That aside, from what Waver could tell… he didn’t think she really wanted to pretend she hadn’t said anything, even if it would be easier. Especially as his small offer of returned understanding seemed be the nudge needed for her to continue. It seemed, sometimes, that people refused to accept the truth in front of them regardless of how the person involved felt. They all had things they refused to accept, things that would be easier to let go of but couldn’t… Even if it was better for them in the end.

He winced a little at the narrowed gaze. It wasn’t like he wanted to pick at a sore spot… But it seemed to him that Illyana refused to see there was more to her than the negative she kept talking about. Like it was easier to pretend she was simply terrible and unworthy, even if she wanted to be. Which definitely wouldn’t help the situation with her brother. “No? Seems to me like regardless of these motives you're trying to convince me of, there is.” Though to him, it sounded more like she was trying to convince herself that those were her only motives. “There have been plenty of times I’ve seen more to you than the one side.” Should he have said any of that? No, it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. Unfortunately, Waver wasn’t one to tell people what they wanted to hear if it wasn’t the right thing.

There’s a softer tone in his voice, a little less awkward as he glanced at her. “It’s always the people who have the most to give the world around them that go on ahead of you.” And it always felt like such a waste. Another notch added to the collection of failures to fix something. But there was also something to be said for Illyana’s words, the way she always shared? Even in her anger, the way she cared about Piotr shone through. Unfortunately, anger tended to make you say things that you didn’t really mean, not deep down… and it made you act too quickly. Hers definitely seemed to have reached a certain point, even as it ebbed when she actually talked about her brother without thinking about how upset she was.

[soulsword]

There's a small bit of relief that he moved on from that subject with no prodding. At least he'd learned that there were times where things were best left to rest. Perhaps they shared a certain bit of discomfort when it came to parents. Whatever the reason it was at the very least a reason to be grateful.

Unlike everything else in this conversation. Everything about it made her feel awkward, vulnerable, and just plain awful. She hated it. At least he hadn't tried to move around to her to offer her physical comfort. That would have been probably the worst thing that he could have done to someone with as many issues as she had. "Of course. I wouldn't expect anything else from you." From what she knew of him she could imagine him fully being the type that would keep talking about something even if it was completely against what would end up being best for him. "I could make you." Or she could just leave. Why wasn't she just leaving? Maybe a part of her actually needed to talk about all of this (not that she'd ever admit to that).

Which meant that his assessment that she didn't really want to pretend she hadn't said anything was true. Not that she entirely knew that in her own mind, which perhaps made it all the worse. Why did she know so very little about her own workings?

"What are these other sides then?" Her eyes met his to issue a challenge to him. Out of nowhere her expression took on a world of defiance as she prepared to argue this to the grave. It was such a ridiculous thing to argue with, but really he'd started it. He was the one that wouldn't just lie and say that he thought she was all evil. If he'd just not been so damn stubborn.


"He's too stupid, too naïve. I hate it..." she swallowed hard as she looked back down, the defiance deflating out of her. "When I first came back as the Darkchilde, he searched for me endlessly. Every time though I ran away. I didn't want him to see how I looked..." her head hung low. "I thought...it would be different when my soul returned, when I came back. It hasn't been. He saw me, he knows what I did, but he looks at me the same." There was a long pause there before she admitted in a lower tone. "He's the only one." Everyone else looked at her with various forms of disgust, disappointment, and fear.

[ask_whydunit]

Waver wouldn’t be surprised if she could make him, but she’d have to actually want to… The fact that she hadn’t jumped straight to that either seemed to prove his thoughts on the matter of her sharing further. Not that he’s going to point it out, he knows they’re on thin ice. A wrong step and something is going to give, probably in a very unpleasant way, for one or both of them.

The mage didn’t actually expect her to ask for a list, hell he expected her to just tell him that he was wrong and move on. So his confidence faltered, if only because this is so far outside his expertise. This wasn’t teaching the basics of magic. It wasn’t a battle of wits between himself and a mage better than him… It was someone trying to prove a point he knew to be false. If this were an enemy, he wouldn’t care about what illusions or sore-spots he trampled on with his hyper-observant nature, but it wasn’t an enemy… It was an ally… a rare friend for all she liked to mess with him.

Clearing his throat, he recovered a half a second after the initial falter. “Fine, but don’t forget after this that you asked me what they were.”

Then the mage started with an awkward frown. “For someone who thinks they’re only a tainted, self-serving individual… you sure seem to think a lot about other people. And I’m not just talking about the situation with your brother. I know there’s a little kid that follows you around the academy on occasion. No one takes on working with kids lightly, Illyana. We choose to.” That was the big one, and the easier one to point out. He didn’t know much about their situation, but it didn’t seem like the kid wasn’t wanted.

“You can be quite thoughtful too, whether you like it pointed out or not. Do you know what usually happens when I bring up my stomach problems? People crack jokes or roll their eyes, and yet your first instinct was to offer to help me with the medication situation here.” He could count the people who took a more gentle approach on one hand. It was better to keep this shit to yourself. Mages weren’t supposed to show weakness, and should be able to weaponise someone else’s. “And you don’t take the easy way out. You make hard decisions, even if you know it might paint you in a bad light. You could have left my sorry ass to the shadows in the mirrorverse when things started to get hairy, instead you obliterated them even if you knew it would mean I’d see the side of you that you clearly expected to be judged for.” He remembered the horns, the way she’d spoken when he asked.

So, sure, she had a darker side… But she wasn’t just that, no one was just one thing… And Waver had spent years trying to prove to himself that they could become more than they were in the past, to grow. Maybe that meant he was a little more resistant to just agreeing on that front when it came to other people… Maybe that made him a bit of a fool… But someone once taught him that sometimes it was better to be a fool who tried in the face of what seemed like an impossible situation than someone who just gave up without trying.

The only one, huh… Sometimes it only took one person to make the difference in your life and how you saw yourself, or sometimes it just made you question that one person endlessly… Sometimes it was a bit of both. “People who care about you… Really care about you, they’re bloody stupid like that.” He responded with a small frown, though his tone lacked any bite. “Can’t make them toss you aside even if you think they should, they just believe in what they see of you.” He ended with a sigh, the mage knew it well enough from being one or the other party depending on the situation.

[soulsword]

While few people would probably admit to it, one of the things that seemed to bothered people the most about Illyana wasn't her lack of morals or her previous lack of soul. No, those things were just the surface level of what made her somewhat unnerving. The real thing that bothered people deep down was something a telepath back home had discovered first hand: nobody really knew what she was capable of. The worst part of that was probably that Illyana herself didn't know her limits. It made for an uneasy and deadly combination.
When she'd asked him for a list she'd intended it as a gatcha moment; one where he'd realize how stupid this argument was and just give up in exasperation. She probably should have known that wouldn't be the case with him of all people. Her eyes narrowed as he started and she opened her mouth to cut him off but he moved on too quickly for her to stop him. He was actually going to do this, wasn't he?

"Kids are innocent. They should be protected but also taught so if they're ever taken away from your protection they can defend themselves." That had clearly touched a nerve with her. There was a protective urge in her that always came out when children were involved. "I know what it is like to be taken and forgotten. To be scared and unable to do anything." Which meant it was her duty to try to make certain others didn't feel that same way. It was something she did for her own comfort as much as theirs.

"You'd be useless to me if you keeled over from a burst appendix or whatever." Clearly that was the only reason, okay? "There aren't too many intelligent and competent people here. I have to take what I can get." That's all there was to it! The next one left her without an excuse to defend it though. "That..." quick, think of a reason. She hadn't really needed him for anything. There was no logical reason to help him other than she hadn't wanted anything to happen to him. "It might have upset the balance to leave you there." That was the weakest excuse she had ever given about anything in her complicated life.

She squeezed her arms around herself again, clearly momentarily at a loss for words. An actual list with things she couldn't refute had not been in her cards. "Beaten at my own game..." Really did feel somewhat bad and yet...also oddly nice. It was the first time anyone had really said anything nice to her since her return. Aside from her brother, but his words sometimes rang so hollow. They often seemed like they came from him speaking about a memory, not her. This seemed...more pointed...and strangely, more like something she could believe in. He had never seemed like someone that would lie to her, Waver certainly wouldn't say nice things to her just to get on her good side. He was too blunt for that. He meant it and that felt...strange.

"Sometimes it's easier with the ones that look at me with fear and disgust. I know I won't disappoint them. But sometimes..." she sighed. Why was she saying any of this of her own choosing? "Sometimes I remember what it was like to have friends." And it was nice. Sometimes it came through how very young Illyana actually was. Even she wasn't certain of her exact age given her time spent in Limbo, but she wasn't too far into her twenties and in this moment it seemed to show.

[ask_whydunit]

Waver let her try to counter him, but… It’s pretty clear by his expression that he wasn’t buying most of it.

Hell, the impermanence of their existence in Aterat alone made the endeavor of watching out for others or teaching them the skills they needed, regardless of their age, almost pointless… but neither of them were thinking about that when push came to shove. They cared about the people they happened to get attached to, and so they operated as their instincts dictated. Her reasoning for offering to help with his health gets a very curious raised brow. Intelligent and competent, huh? That came out more like a compliment than she probably meant for it to, so the mage tried to keep himself from pointing that one out.

And they both knew the ‘balance’ thing was a flimsy lie. The mirror world had already proven that anyone who walked through the glass would be returned somewhere around a week later, whether they found their way out on their own or not.

“I did warn you.” He responded gently, but (perhaps surprisingly) without any mocking tone in his voice as she admitted she had been bested. Waver rarely lost a game like this, after all. He was a know it all and too observant when it came to the people and world around him for his own good. The mage was just lucky today’s wasn’t one involving something who had it out for him. He just hoped it helped… put some things into perspective for her, gave her a reason to stop and look at things with a calmer mind later.

Waver couldn’t deny that she had a point. It was easier, sometimes, to let people think the worst of you so they wouldn’t be disappointed. How often did he already talk himself down, and brush off the more negative things said about him by other mages? He didn’t even try to counter them, because he felt that much was true and it simply… didn’t matter, he told himself. “Even the most solitary of us needs some form of companionship. It’s not a bad thing to want friends and allies to stand with.” He offered with a tilt of his head, understanding the want, and the slight fear of opening yourself up to that. His pool was smallish, after all, even back in his world. “Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean it’s not without its complications, even with those you have.”

And it was hard to not feel a little reminded of his students, and the amount of work that went into nudging them gently in the direction of relying on each other instead of just themselves. Svin and Flat had been a nightmare of a different kind early on, after all.

[soulsword]

"Your warning was insufficient." Though her tone seemed as though she may have come around to admitting defeat. The thing that really got him the winning blow was that he didn't actually have any sort of mocking in his tone. Which was surprising to her, surprising enough for her to actually look visibly surprised. Surprised and conflicted. It did mean something, particularly coming from someone that was honest more than not. It made it nearly impossible for her to counter or disagree that he had a point. Or that he'd made a point.

"I--" she hesitated for a moment, raised a hand awkwardly and then said: "thank you." But that was all she got out before she finally chose her usual reaction to when she felt conflicted: she teleported away. Though...strangely, before she went, she had a tiny lopsided smile on her face.

[ask_whydunit]

He supposed in a way it had been, at least in that she’d never been on the receiving end of his observations before… And it had been more than a little personal for her, to hear things she’d clearly be more comfortable denying about herself. He opened his mouth to respond, but she had started talking again and he didn’t want to interrupt, so he held his tongue and simply waited.

The thanks… was unexpected, admittedly… He wasn’t used to being thanks after something like that to begin with, so it caught his attention and made him look up again. Only she had already teleported away, though not before he had caught sight of a small smile. He let out a small sigh before smiling a little to himself as well. “You’re welcome.” He offered the empty room, easier to respond alone. Sure, she had still teleported away like expected her to do at some point… But at least it wasn’t because of some egregious error on his part. Maybe this had at least done something to help.