aterat | video; un: tamwood

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video; un: tamwood

Mmm... interesting. [ Despite her words Ivy doesn't look too interested as she taps the upgraded screen on the phone. Which means tapping the video. She brushes a strand of her hair out of her face and then starts to thread her fingers through the chain of the cross necklace she always wears. ] Hopefully everyone had more luck with those...things than I did. Has anyone figured out what they really were? They tasted like sawdust and mold. I never needed to know what mold tasted like. [ Her eyes widen for a moment and she blinks. Why did she just say that? When she tries to speak to say she didn't mean that how it sounded she finds she can't and instead just starts threading her fingers through the chain more awkwardly. ]

Something else is going on. [ She scrunches her nose up. ] Pollen. You'd think a vampire wouldn't be bothered by pollen.

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Mm... I can think of a few words that definitely sound more intense than stubborn. But, uh- regardless I hope that means you realize that an argument against it will ultimately be time-consuming and possibly pointless. [He responded with a good-natured shrug once he realized she was teasing.

Llewellyn’s smiled fell just as quickly.] I know the pollen is probably making this more difficult to resist on questioning and explaining both... But I'm starting to find it irksome. [It was hard to not start to feel annoyed with the situation. The detective was going to have a stern word with whoever caused this, if there was someone behind it.] I should have... I should have guessed or anticipated how it would happen both times, the second I did but... [He shook his head,] I was too late. Much too late.

What of your conversations with him over the network, then? Have you considered how you think or feel when you speak to him where those influences wouldn’t come into play? [Now who’s being nosier than he should be?]

I realized that quite a bit ago. I probably should give up protesting sooner than I do. [ At the very least she sounds amused. ]

I'm sorry. I really am. [ She dips her head down and heaves a sigh. ] Are you psychic? If not then I'm not sure how you could have guessed or anticipated something like that.

[ Well. That was a point she hadn't really thought about. ] No...I haven't thought of that. Or considered it at all.

It's fine, Ivy... Like I said, I know it's not exactly in either of our control at the moment. [Llewellyn let out a small sigh,] Not psychic, but... It's hard to not think about signs I might've missed. One of those things you never quite stop wondering about.

[The detective file a small smile creep back onto his face at that,] Then I think next time you both have a nice conversation on the network... You should pay attention to that, it uh- might surprise you.

I hate it. Not being in control like this. [ Obviously it's more that she hates not being in control in general. ] You don't seem like the type to miss things easily. [ So she can't imagine he'd have missed clues unless they weren't that noticeable. ]

It might not be a good surprise to have. People shouldn't get involved here. Or at least I shouldn't.

I can't say that I enjoy it either, even the second time around it's still frustrating. [He grimaced a bit,] Thank you for saying... I've tried to learn better, honestly. [Translated: This is why gets paranoid and over-worried about the people he loved. He didn't want somehow miss something and see that happen again.]

Mm... I think I disagree with that, but perhaps I'm just biased. Some people end up in these worlds for a very long time, Ivy. Sometimes they don't... But on the off chance you are, it seems a shame to close yourself off from finding some happiness in the time you're here.

Easier said than done though, isn't it? You can't hold yourself responsible for everyone though. It'll just exhaust you. [ That she knew well enough from her own experience. Not that she'd really learned any better herself. ]

I imagine you would disagree. [ She smiled gently though, not meaning it as a dig at him or anything. ] I wish I could be as brave as you in that regard. It might be nice to just let go and take a risk. [ But Ivy didn't take risks. Not with her heart or anything else. ]

I know... But I guess I think the exhaustion is worth it compared to the alternative. [She wasn't wrong, of course, but perhaps neither of them were good at learning that lesson.

Llewellyn smiled a little at that. Being brave enough to take a risk with your heart wasn't easy...] You might find yourself brave enough to one day, Ivy. It just takes time for some of us? It took almost a year and a few scares for me to put my fears aside to commit to what I have now.

[So he hoped it would happen for her as well, and that someone could be patient enough for her to come around to it as Rhy had been with him.]

Except the exhaustion can lead to mistakes and then the alternative. [ She felt a bit bad at how harsh that seemed though. ]

Did it? What made you finally decide to go for it?

[He couldn't quite keep himself from frowning a little more deeply at that, trying to think of an argument but... not quite coming up with something this time.] I suppose I hadn't thought of it like that... It makes you wonder...

[The question gets a thoughtful little tilt of his head, not wanting to sound too sappy but... It was kind of hard to not on these matters.] Mm... As I said, I had a few scares and I suppose I woke up. Realized that I loved him, and that regardless of the time we had left in that world that I'd regret holding back more than I would regret the eventual hurt my heart would suffer if we were separated.

Wonder what? [ She pauses. ]

You make it sound simple.

[He let out a long breath] Wonder what the better option would be? Risking a mistake born of exhaustion for holding yourself responsible for everyone, or risking missing something important by not risking a little exhaustion to be vigilant?

[Simple?

Ivy would have to forgive the wry laugh that escaped him.]

It sounds like something that should be simple... But if it makes you feel any better; it took me about a half an hour to figure out how to string the words together in a way that made them understandable. So no, it's not simple. I think that's the point, I've heard some say that nothing worth attempting is easy?

The second I suppose. There's more culpability to it, more chances for you to find ways to genuinely blame yourself. [ Helpful, Ivy. Very helpful. If she could have lied about it, she would have just to try to force him to give himself more of a break. But she can't and the way she felt was just that: it's better to work yourself into exhaustion to be vigilant than to relax and risk something getting past you. ]

What if things go wrong though? You'd have to see the person every day.

I suppose so… [Llewellyn’s face felt like it was going to be stuck in a permanent frown at this rate, but it wasn’t like she wasn’t right. And she was being honest, after all.

He’s choosing to focus on Ivy’s question though, it wasn’t a bad one.]

Mm… Things can go wrong, yes… But you still have the potential to see the person every day now, don’t you? Only you have to deal with the unpleasant complicated feelings and the wondering of ‘what if?’ every time you see them. At least if you take the chance, it might not go wrong and maybe you’re happy. [He offered a small, hopeful smile.] And if not, I’m very good at finding routes around the city to avoid people if I’m not in a mood to talk. I can teach you them if it gets awkward.

[But that offer was only there if it went bad. He was rather hopeful that it wouldn’t.]

[ She chuckles awkwardly. ] Is that a promise about the routes? [ After a few seconds she lets out a sigh. ] I just...don't want to hurt anyone. I'm exceptionally talented at hurting people I care about.

[He smiled a little at the question,] It is, but only if you need them.

That's a valid fear... But just because something has happened before, doesn't mean it will happen again... And you strike me as the sort to worry about it enough that you'll be more mindful when you care. [He rubbed the back of his neck a little.] And in my experience, as absurd as it might sound, talking about those fears with them can help. It's as much the other person's choice to take that risk as it is yours, and if they care... They'll be willing to be patient when it comes to those sorts of fears.

They might be patient, but that won't stop them from getting hurt. [ She pauses, trying so hard to say nothing at all. ] Some vampires don't know the difference between blood and love. [ A pause. ] We can't have one without the other.

Maybe… But maybe not? You wont know until you try, Ivy. If you’re open about those things, what you’re afraid of happening… It um… It might help more than you think.

[He rubbed the back of his neck, he wished that things could be more simple for her though. That was a bit of a weight to be carrying, but he still didn’t think she should close herself off and just be alone… She didn’t deserve that.]

I know I might sound a bit pushy on the subject, but I think you deserve the chance.

My ex's would probably disagree with you.

Mm… Perhaps not, but… Doesn’t mean it’ll be the same next time. [He could tell though, that she wasn’t going to agree… Not now, at least. He just hoped eventually she let herself try. Maybe a little hypocritical of him considering their earlier conversation that he’d been difficult about, but… It was just how he was.

He shrugged awkwardly.] But I uh… don’t mean to argue, I just thought it should be said. I won't keep you from other things with my ramblings.

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video; un: tamwood

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